Hawk used to be John's partner until he got killed by a crazed German. Will he survive to the end so he can provide John with more overpriced weaponry? Play and find out.Ĭorpse of Hawk: Played by: Michael Clarke Duncan Role: Dead guy Hobbies: Rotting Blood type: Can't tell, it's all gone Turn-ons: Dead girls Turn-offs: Pine coffins and grub worms Description: Anyone who's 62 years old and probably just a few weeks away from retirement is naturally going to get exploded in some awful way.
He's also the "trusted friend," the confidant, the man John would come out of the closet to if he were gay.Īs you can clearly tell, Sam is bound to have bad things happen to him. He's the guy who'll outfit John before certain dangerous missions. Sam is a hippy who owns a bookstore that transforms into an armory. Sam Gladstone: Played by: Earl Boen Role: Insightful old friend, armory manager Hobbies: Playing with guns Blood type: Nonflammable Turn-ons: NRA members, people not against the purveyance of freedom Turn-offs: Fire, hospitals, outward bellybuttons Description: If only she'd order him to "fetch some eats for t'night." Besides, she has that sexy Southern accent that John just can't resist.
She may not be 6'5", 300lbs, and capable of crushing a man with her enormous jaw, but Taylor is still a competent field agent.
Played by: Iris Bahr Role: Scientist, hapless good natured partner, patsy Hobbies: Fixing plagues, watching Crook & Chase Blood type: Red Turn-ons: Not getting shot in hospital rooms Turn-offs: Getting shot in hospital rooms Description:Ī born and bred scientist with medical expertise, Taylor is to be John's new partner, replacing Hawk, who got shot in the face by a submarine sporting villain named Dekker some time ago. Since he has succeeded so consistently, he now practically works for The Shop, though he's still technically considered a freelancer. "The Shop" used the Oklahoman born to dispatch baddies the world over, even German ones with a Cobra Commander obsession. Soon after, a clandestine operation working outside of the jurisdiction of the United States government contacted John. After realizing he'd never make manager at the local video superstore, he polished off his collection of weapons, opened his Bank of America account for deposits, and advertised in the classifieds that he had a waterbed for sale and if someone was in need of a killing, he'd do it for cheap. It was either "hired gun" or Blockbuster store clerk. But with days of obeying the chain of command and working in the system long behind John, he has had to find a new way to earn a living. He follows orders, kills everyone, and manages to escape from certain death on a daily basis. John Mullins is the quintessential American soldier. No human can shoot a thousand people like it's nothing. John Mullins: Played by: Todd Susman Role: Hero Hobbies: Killing, whittling, intimidating teens with rough voice. Nevertheless, here are some of the big names in the game (be aware that I purposely omitted Deviant 1 and Vergara because "Tortuous Honk Kong bitch" and "Guy who needlessly shoots himself in face" weren't lengthy enough of descriptions, respectively.
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